Psychobabble

Don't get me wrong: I LOVE Myers Briggs. And this year got turned on - by my career coach, no less - to the FIRO-B.

But I'm thinking this "Big Five" stuff is more like "Big Fail".....

I'm a O20-C74-E93-A8-N7 Big Five!!

...as in:

gonnggggg!!!!!

Discern-rential Calculus

Geeks: I love geeks! Consider, for example, the 2002 findings from Scotland academics:

ß =	(An)2 x d(S + 1) √L x (Vo)2

where:

• An is the number of servings of alcohol
• S is the smokiness of the area on a scale of 0 - 10
• L is the lighting level of the area, measured in candelas per square meter, in which 150 is normal room lightning
• Vo is Snellen visual acuity, in which 6/6 is normal and 6/12 is the lower limit at which someone is able to drive
• d is the distance between the observer and the observed, measured in meters [source: BBC News]

The formula works out a "beer goggle" score ranging from 1 to 100+. When ø = 1, the observer is perceiving the same degree of beauty he or she would perceive in a sober state. At 100+, everybody in the room is a perfect 10.

I, too, yearn to deconstruct my desires, sentiments and choices so neatly. For example, I know that my standards in food considerably deteriorate (or shall I just say "change" to stay all copasetic?) when I've just done a spin class...when the options at a certain hour are few...so perhaps I could even assign a relative weighting to X watts exerted, contending with a constraint of Y miles in available edible options and Z minutes of time elapsed since aforesaid watts were exerted....

But would all of this knowledge really change my behavior? I think it would just make the goggles that much more transparent. And transparency often leads to accountability, which typically aspires to some sort of behavior change.

*Behavior change.* Guess I'll be keepin' those goggles on. With my eyes wide open, of course.

That Thing, that Thing, that iPad Thing

Way back in technohistorical January, The Onion gave us a glimpse of just how insanely amazing the upcoming Thing Apple was preparing to launch would be....


Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard

My favorite quote: "if it's shiny and from Apple, I want it!"

Now that the infamous iPad has launched - and subsequently skyrocketed - I want it. I want it. I don't know why, but I just KNOWS I wants it!

Of course, there are real business and consumer drivers behind this demand. iMedia Connection did a nice piece on just why the iPad is really a big deal. And I even personally corroborated in the froth by serving as one of the coordinators of an iPad developers' event last month.

But I have yet to really USE an iPad, and yet my knee-jerk reaction to a friend's "Sent by my iPad" signature was nonetheless: I WANTS ONE!

We always knew Steve Jobs was a genius. But many in these parochial Silicon Valley technodigerati circles don't realize that Lauryn Hill got it first:

Learning How To Receive

A few years ago, I underwent one of my most powerful inner transformations while listening to my friend Alice belt out this song.

While the full set of lyrics does best justice to the message, the title does, in fact, do a nice job of summing up the point: "All I Need is Everything." At the risk of diluting the beauty of the song with left-brained analysis, I'll just say that hearing this moved me to surrender the limited set of things I think I want to Everything, which does in fact await me.

As the song notes, part of this process entails "learning how to receive."

Fast forward to today. I was finished teaching spin class and having some quality time with the foam roller to nurse a months'-old butt injury when Darok the Rastafarian Personal Trainer playfully scared me from behind. When he saw how much this threw me out of my happy place, he proceeded to ask me if he could make it up to me. By offering me a personal butt massage.

So I took one more step in learning how to receive. Allll righty then!

Darok needs to practice his skillz, and I need to practice how to receive!

The attraction of Crazy Beasties!

In December 1995 I went camping in Baja, California with two guys. Well, really, it was with Steve, and we corralled another guy into going with us to be an official chaperone.* Anyway, one thing we had to do before embarking was procure a means of transport to get us from San Francisco allllll the way down to the tip: Cabo San Lucas.

Steve - who grew up on a farm fixing cars - settled on a 1975 Chevy Blazer, with great joy because he got to work on it a lot before we left. And a lot during our trip. This labor - and these images - will all help you grasp why it soon became lovingly known to us as The Beast: it was The Beast's very ugliness and unwieldiness that made her so attractive and beloved to us.

Lest you think I exaggerate, you should know that we nearly died in The Beast on one climactic night when Steve and our chaperone got into an altercation. When the argument subsided, we continued down the dicey Mexican "highway" in quiet tension, leading us to nearly snap when an unruly truck careened at us in the opposite direction, leaving us no recourse but to veer off the road. The drama made us appreciate our hobbling, graceless Beast (which somehow kept us whole) on an entirely new level. When I was charged with driving Her home after Steve had to fly back for a business meeting, my love grew all the more as she yawed the entire way back up the 101 (I say this now, of course...15 years later and indelibly marked by Her image every time I in fact hear or use the word "yaw").

To this day, the ugly, unwieldy and beastly still hold a crazy kind of pull for me. Is it because I so want to redeem the beauty that I insist simply *must* lie within...some sort of savior complex?

I dunno. But I still love beasts. Lord help me!

My latest Beast spotting tonight in the Mission: isn't she just *beautiful*??

* this had its own unfortunate end that requires a whole other side story...ahh, if only we blogged back then...

Self I-Don't-Care

I'm always kind of surprised when I hear people talk about how they need to "take better care" of themselves. That's never been a challenge for me, who finds it second nature to get:
* Lots of endorphins,
* Quality time with people, with deep belly laughs.
* Quality time alone.
* Gourmet dark chocolate.

...all on a regular basis.

And when the external stressors ramp up, so do I. It's during these times that I also get:
* More endorphins (plus some vitamin D on top).
* More time with people...but more selectively.
* More time alone....with deep belly tears.
* More spontaneity.*

I'd like to propose that it was this last thing - you know, that spontaneity which permits us to exercise our entitled sense of freedom - that led me to the 280 instead of the 101 to meet a friend at a restaurant located just off the...101...

After rerouting significantly, I managed to get there about 25 minutes late. You can just blame it on the inherent beauty and pull of the 280....all part of my "self care!"

'Cuz I mean really: selfishness is *so* unenlightened!

* dark chocolate remains a constant

Must I?

When I was about 4, I received a gift from a generous relative. Upon opening it, I was cajoled to respond. Complying, I stared directly into her eager, inquiring face and flatly declared:

"I don't like it."

...and to this day, her crestfallen response is indelibly marked in my memory.

But as adults, we've developed the super-ego to ensure we adhere to social mores. As such, we often find ourselves in situations where we are forced to effuse.

Two common settings for this cruelty include:

1) Admiring friends' offspring. When this pertains to homo sapiens, I can buy in. People warrant respect. And infants all the more: I can totally get behind the awe of procreation.

However, my line is crossed when I am obliged to ooh and aah over a canine or feline. How much excitement can one be expected muster over a yelping, unhygienic slobbering animal unable to dialogue? Over what period of time is such feigned enthusiasm sustainable? Inhumane expectations.

2) Staff meetings. These are undoubtedly the most egregious examples of enforced enthusiasm*; particularly when they are kicked off by asking all participants to share with the group just what it is they love -- the most -- about Company A. The ensuing applause most often invariably owes to the fact that the employee has finished, rather than reflecting what s/he has actually shared.

But, being the solutions-oriented businessperson I am, I felt it was important end on a positive and constructive note:

Ways To Avoid Coercive Engagement (drawing off of real-life experience)

• Never use campy parables ... unless good. Really good.
• Don't regift the giveaways. If you must, do not disclose.
• Contain all meetings to 1.5 hours - max. If you have the choice of longer meeting with food, or shorter meeting without food, go without food.
• Make sure your schwag is dogfood you would eat, too.

* You can further reference the gem by Mike Judge at the bottom of this post for a lucid depiction of why this is just so wrong.

Euphemisms (cntd.)

Lying Loopholes and, as such, I simply can't get enough of them: they are so useful!!!

• "So, what are the takeaways?" = Please please please please do not go into detail.
• "I'm processing all of this" = I am stalling on a response b/c I think you are a nutjob and am wondering how to most effectively filter
  
• "I want to be true to myself" = I don't care about anyone else (this isn't always 100% true but often is).
• "The ways to search, find and evaluate people on LinkedIn are architected entirely differently than on Facebook." = sophisticated stalkers know how to leverage multiple platforms.

I used to reserve most of my geek love for economists....but rhetoricians are starting to move up!

Talk. To. Me.

Smile And Nod

I learned the value of this Standard Operating Procedure from a colleague of mine at Schwab. It entails never pushing back regardless of how unreasonable the request, and only later surfacing the constraints. That way you become the invaluable go-to person and never get pegged as a naysayer.

This morning I embraced the SAN SOP when I agreed to join my friend's running group.

Let's clarify: I run. I just don't do "endurance" runs. But, I figured, how hard can a little extra distance be?

Only in the car - en route, committed - did John throw out these remarks:

• "If you studied the trail posted online..." ("study" the trail? ah...right...)
• "The grade ascends consistently for the first 6 miles." (note the use of "first")
• "There is an extension option because the main course is only 11 miles." (note the use of "only")
• "The fact that it's trail running sort of selects out who will be there." (I had no idea what this specifically referred to, but got the sense that trails must be scary)

Smile And Nod. Smile And Nod. No problem!

But, in merciful face-saving fate, the Running Demon of Sun*Sans*Shade led even the "ultra" runners to condescend to their own humanity and join me in stopping at various points along the way.

So really, I am just like them. I could do a 50K in my sleep. Dreams, that is.

This is not me.

May I have some opiods to chase my dopamine, please?

My highly social nature + my incessant need to uncover truth has traditionally been a source of pride, enabling me to be a journalist, sleuth and master of no trade (aka "generalist").

But pride cometh before the fall: thanks to current networking technology, I can now feed my social and search beasts at alarming rates. It started slowly with email....escalated with Facebook....and was fueled to whole new levels by IM, Skype messaging and Twitter. Now I have services like FourSquare which text my phone to immediately notify me who is going where and subsequently permit me to research, add tips, stalk others ... the ADD possibilities for those seeking external stimulation are endless!

Specifically, I'm noting that my capacity for reading and writing beyond a short email or tweet is eroding; that my Facebook activity steps up considerably when I am forced to read through a document longer than one page; and that I must multitask with my human-computer interface when encountering a simple human interface, lest I neglect my extroversion of any possible input.

So it was with great relief that I had the patience to read all of this piece (yes, first seen as a friend's post on Facebook but actually a normal-length article from Slate...which still writes articles vs. being pure post redux). It neutralized my neurosis by stating it in concrete and physiological terms.

And that's good enough for me. Just proud that I finally finished this post!

This very post is a cry out for intervention. Sponsored by AT&T.

The eye of the tiger

I've never been sure if it is simply unsettling or outright rude when people over the age of four transgress their social boundary with a hovered gaze. Only recently has this led to some real confrontation.

1. Yesterday I shamed my spinning student when I announced to the class that I was staring her down. That did the trick and she looked away (note: she explained later that she often just "zones" by staring at the teacher...but, still....).
2. Later in the day in a cafe, I found myself unable to listen to my friend catch me up because the woman next to us - while pretending to eat her Waldorf salad - overtly stared at us each time one of us uttered a word. Remember, this was a cafe folks - not a library. So I kept looking back at her and mercifully, she would back down. However....every time we resumed our conversation, she jumped right back in, compelling me to simply stare her down. Result? She let out a nervous smile, got up and left 1/3 of her salad there. Mission accomplished! (Of course, this was a Seinfeld moment that only video can fully capture).
3. The coup de grace came today in Sausalito when I failed to notice one of the thousands of self-entitled cyclists crowding up the (AUTOMOBILE) route. Alas, my blissful Sunday afternoon happy place was interrupted by an abrupt, childish fist thump on my car accompanied by some choice expletives and accusations. My natural response immediately kicked in: gleefully smile back! But, this didn't lead to victory; rather than use his endorphins for their stress-relieving purpose (come on: Sausalito, sunny Sunday afternoon with a clear blue SF Bay view?), he proceeded to ride up to my car, scream at me and threaten to call the police. Which only drove me to smile at him more.

While I technically "lost" this third face-off, it somehow felt the most gratifying.

Some people are like insurance companies

So astoudingly egregious, you keep groping for an alternative explanation.

The jury will have to decide whether...the insurer accepted the application in bad faith, conducted a secret investigation and continued to collect premiums until Hailey’s bills were high [and then rescinded the policy].

I'm finding despicable to be less endearing than I used to

In the presence of....

In the spirit of Shakespearean "undoing" ...just how long will it take me to eradicate myself of the slime imparted upon me from the presence of another?

Undo undo!

Just because it wasn't George Clooney doesn't mean it didn't leave me feeling like this

Sometimes exposing the truth costs something

My love for euphemisms continues...

• "Is that bad?" = I am a cruel person
• "Your goals align with mine" = Your work will support my goals (variation: In this case, there IS an I in teamwork)
• "Professional" = I am not employed and have no title.
• "Executive" = same as immediately above, but I also seek a role where I can delegate and get paid a lot
• "Thanks for being so open" = I am going to do my best to forget everything you just over-shared.
  

..and on a darker note:
"Assigned to a special military tribunal" = time to make arrangements

[Of course, I would welcome learning of cases where such fora ruled in favor of the defendant and thus be proven wrong].

Forgiveness

Easter is just 'round the corner, so let's hear it for the virtues Jesus came to instill. Today: I hereby forgive AT&T!

Yes, in a turn as dramatic as Sally Field changing personalities, this beloved telecom bane of my existence has shown a radically different face and, as such, garnered my forgiveness.

So wha'happend? I had to pinch myself today when I, with trepidation, walked into the store where I first purchased my iPhone last summer (part 2 came later). I was hoping that the retail staff would be willing to deviate from any policy requiring proof of purchase and take subjective pity on the fact that my car charger wasn't working.

What then transpired was none other than awe-inducing: boom-ba-da-ding, the floorperson pulled up a record of my purchase within seconds, and the return was not only seamlessly executed, but even upgraded (or, as I like to say, Upgrayedd-ed) to a better model.

As long as "this" AT&T is talkin', I'm forgiving.

Pet Peeves

Peeves. Annoyances. Rant-inducing behaviors. Facial-tick-causing things of life. Because these are really what this blog is all about.

A few top-of-mind ones of late:

1) When the driver I'm with approaches an intersection with a green light and feels the need to ....slow?? .....down.......

2) When the person at the gym uses the common equipment as a nest. And, after I efficiently use all other equipment in the hopes of the offender eventually moving on, I finally ask to work in and s/he suddenly claims to have "just one more set."

3) When someone interrupts me. It's effectively being lied to: the "listener" doesn't really listen despite asking you a question.

And anyone reading this far knows that I am not keen on being stifled.

Addendum:
AT&T. If you really need elaboration...:

AT&T Inc. said Thursday it will start selling iPhones without requiring a two-year contract, but they will cost $400 more ...The new phones will still be "locked" to AT&T and won't work with any other cellular carrier unless they're modified. AT&T will only activate them on the regular iPhone plans, which include a $30 monthly charge for data access. Prepaid service will not be available.

Recurring themes

I'm consistently mesmerized by denial...Idiocracy...and my current favorite, euphemisms.

How fitting that the very word itself sounds so much better than, say, obfuscation.

Cap industries’ emissions of the gases blamed for climate change? Representative Henry A. Waxman of California, who leads the House Energy and Commerce Committee, will have to contend with dissent on a panel with Democrats from coal and manufacturing states.

“The legislative process requires compromise and being open to different alternatives,” Mr. Waxman said.

In defense of Henry though, I'm not sure I'd want to say, "We're copping out on this one."

"Don't assume"

I often reflect on these simple yet sage words from my college comrade John when I find myself judging someone's character prematurely.

That said, sometimes assumptions can work to our advantage.

Other times, they can go awry....

Now available: "If You Can't Lick 'Em...Lick 'Em" by Ted Nugent

Dear Amazon.com Customer,

We've noticed that customers who have purchased or rated Bob Seger - Greatest Hits by Bob Seger & the Silver Bullet Band have also purchased If You Can't Lick 'Em...Lick 'Em by Ted Nugent. For this reason, you might like to know that If You Can't Lick 'Em...Lick 'Em is now available.

...viva la direct marketing! And of course, the Motor City Madman.

Overdrive

If the symphony of forces colluding to create our current economic meltdown isn't enough to get you down, throw in some gubnatorial malfeasance, medical misrepresentation and overt fiduciary egregiousness and (if you're anything close to human), you'll soon be in the same place of despair as me.

But the best antidote to despair: The Motor City! Where all things real become surreal.

"It's the Cadillac of mini-vans."
-- Chili Palmer

Economic rap-sody

• Wall St./Main St.
• Innovation/Regulation.
• Short-Term gain/ Long-Term pain.
• S&P. SEC. Freddie Mac. Fannie Mae. Fed-e-ral Reserve.
• Overreaching homeowners. Mercenary mortgage brokers. Delusionary derivative creators. Rogue real estate developers. Parochial pension fund managers. Icelandic gubernators. United Autoworkers.

"God made humans upright, but they have gone in search of many schemes."

- Solomon

Today we bling, for tomorrow we die.